In my recent posts, which started off with Expression, I have been yearning for a new way to
express myself. I want to allow my heart to express what’s true in a given moment in time. I
have been sitting, waiting for the words that want to emerge this week. Nothing came out for 10 minutes. Now, I am just typing to see if words and sentiments will start to constellate around a theme or a point. I want to just trust and let go and see what happens.
If you abandon this post now, I totally understand. I cannot really say anything to entice you to keep reading as I don’t know where it’s going. If you stay, thanks for staying.
Of course, prior to sitting down to write, I did think of things I could write about. Old habits die hard. I have journaled diligently for years, have attended many writing workshops and
transcribed notes from my therapy sessions. Surely, any of those writings is good enough to
share once I clean it up a bit. I almost did, until I didn’t. Felt inauthentic, like I was trying too hard to showcase an aspect of myself. I want to approach blogging with a clean slate and an open heart.
Many of my older writings carry an energy of ‘look what I have endured and overcome’, based on my state of mind at that time. As I type these words, I see how I wore overcoming difficulties as a badge of honor, in that I was not taken down by the tyranny of life experiences. That was such a great place to be for a while, but I no longer see myself as a victim or a survivor. Through disciplined inner work, guidance and grace as well as the gift of time to allow for deep healing to marinate, soften and strengthen my nature, I am experiencing life via a different vantage point. I now see myself as the hero of my story or movie and I marvel at the delicious script and all the characters cast in my movie – villains, allies, accomplices, guides, etc. I am less invested in my own victimhood. Experiences feel much less personal which allow triggers to resolve more quickly (even if I can feel them more intensely – I speak about this in my post titled Heart) and my focus is on the path that lies ahead of me.
If I saw myself on a kayak going down a river, instead of travelling in a straight and prescribed line, it’s as if I would meander to the extreme left and right, and go, “Wow, what’s down there? Let me plunge in and find out!” To be clear, I am NOT advocating this mode of exploration. I just happened to do it this way. I tell people maybe it’s the Leo in me, enjoying the drama! But, I know it is something much, much deeper:
“And something ignited in my soul
Fever or unremembered wings
I went my own way, deciphering that burning fire
And I wrote the first bare line
Bare without substance
Pure foolishness
Pure wisdom of one who knows nothing
And suddenly, I saw the heavens unfastened and opened.”
(Pablo Neruda)
These days, I taste the juice of life in such a visceral way. Think rich, mango juice. Maybe it
comes from having tasted the gall. Hmmm. Sometimes, when I speak about my life, I will cup
my face in my hands and say, “I cannot believe this is my life!” I say it with great childlike
wonder strewn with the gravitas of a 51-year old woman who knows something about
something.
When I was immersed in my holistic health coaching program almost 20 years ago, one of the things I learned was that our bodies are always regenerating and that we have a brand new body every 7 years. I am grateful that we can move towards regeneration even as we age. I came across an old photo of myself from Nov 2017. I saw a lot of pain and tiredness in my eyes in that photo. Had I not engaged in some serious healing that the Universe or Grace was guiding me towards, I don’t know where I would be right now.
To say my 40s was messy is an understatement. Listening to the outside world and looking at
social media, it was easy to chastise myself for not being more together than I was. I envied
(sort of) the people who seemed to be able to steady-state through life and I imagined them
judging me. Of course, the judgment was in my head which I projected onto others in terms of how they were feeling towards me. Even if others were judging me, I was certainly judging
myself more harshly which increased the intensity of what I was experiencing.
Now, I can honestly say that the turmoil I was feeling in my 40s was actually a real gift because the life that wanted to express and be lived was starting to make its presence known and felt. I am not here to glorify turmoil and I would say to anyone who lives a steady-state life, “That’s awesome. Good for you. No need to look for turmoil. Enjoy life.” But to anyone who can remotely relate to what I am expressing in terms of feeling turmoil, unfulfilled, messy, etc., I would say to you, “I hear you. Let’s see how we can illuminate patterns that are running your life, work to metabolize these experiences, uncover your real essence and nature and lift that more and more into expression.”*
“Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” (Rainer Maria Rilke)
*If this resonates with you, send me a message and we can schedule an introductory call.
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